It's 7am on Monday morning, and I think I am going to end up writing my most heartfelt journals because I am sitting here trying not to cry. I wish it was one of my 9 essays, but it doesn't fit a topic. :-)
I know I have told a few, and I know a few more have heard, but I know twice as many don't know about the medical condition I am dealing with. Most days I don't want people to know, but some days I am so so embarrassed with all I can do, I want to tell so that people don't think I extremely lazy. I am telling now because IF I make it through this cycle it is a huge part of my journey.
I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. At medical condition where the biggest symptoms are I am permanently physically tired. 24/7. On a scale of 1 (good) to 10 (can't move exhausted), my best days are not any better than a 5. I am plagued with constant muscle and joint pain in every part of my body for no reason at all. Any exercise I participate in, (mainly the ones that become aerobic even for few minutes), increases my exhaustion tremendously. But unlike before CFS I could stretch, shower, and sleep and I was good to go the next day or so, those things have no effect anymore. The exhaustion, muscle fatigue, and pain last another 48hrs to 4 days, depending on the level of exercise of that activity. There is NO cure, and there is NO treatment. As I explained to a friend of mine, this is an athlete’s nightmare (next to being wheelchair bound).
Please let me explain. (Honestly I don't know how to write this part without sounding like I am boasting. I don't talk much about this.) I was an athlete. I ran track competitively from ages 10 to 22. I was competitive. I was invited to try out for the US Junior Olympic Team, but due to a typical runner's injury I did not attend. I hold all the sprint records (many to this day) at my High School and University. I loved to run. I love the adrenaline rush of working out. I love to push pass that wall and do more. Yes, there were days the workouts killed me, but I loved it. It felt so good. I loved the competitions, I loved how it felt when I did my best (win or lose). I loved how it felt when my time showed another personal best. When my track life was nearing an end, I re-entered martial arts. I took Seido (a Japanese form) from ages 11 to 15, and took Shotokan (a similar Japanese form) from ages 22-26 on and off. I loved it. I loved the forms, the controlling of inner power and strength. I loved watching myself improve. Setting my own personal best. I had a love/hate relationship with taking class, just like with track practice. Hate the burn; love the high, loved getting better. I took pauses in life to have children. But I was still an athlete when I wanted to be. I started training and competing in Agility competitions. (You know the ones you see on TV with the dog running through tunnels and over hurdles and weaving through poles. Yeah, that one.) And I still ran from time to time. The only time I didn't do things athletic is when I was being lazy and I didn't feel like it.
Kyra, my oldest, enrolled at King Tiger first. Anya, my second, was next. I enrolled after I needed some sanity breaks after the last, Kai, was born. Having the girls 7, and 4 at the time, plus the 2yr old twins and a newborn was enough to make me understand why animals sometimes kill their young. ;-) Taekwondo was perfect. I was familiar with martial arts; the biggest change was the language. I knew the forms and self-defenses from my girls; I got a break from the kids. But oh my! I got back my athlete's high. It felt so so good to be active and (self) competitive again. It's hard to explain the feeling. I knew my true love, track was gone long ago, but I learned a few years before, that as long as I stayed active it did wonders for my psychological health and happiness. I was hooked on being somewhat of an athlete. The physical benefits were a side-bonus to me. The only time I couldn't perform was due to not having childcare, or pure and simple laziness.
CFS is an athlete's nightmare. It makes you feel like you are morbidlyobese. But at least with obesity, if you lost the weight you could feel better. You can't run, you can't exercise. And if you choose to exercise and "push pass your wall" you can barely walk and move for two days. And if you don't continue to rest for the next two days, you risk not being able to function and stay awake for the rest of the week. Sleep does very little to nothing to aid in recovery. We often say "I don't have enough energy." But we really don't think about our energy as being finite. I have never before this thought of energy in terms of a weekly allowance. I have to budget it for the week. If I spend it all in one day, then I have nothing left to spend the rest of the week. And there can be days I can be overdrawn and I have to repay it from the following week's allowance. Sounds crazy, but this is how it is with CFS. Before I was officially diagnosed, and when my symptoms were much much milder than they are now, I used to take Taekwondo 2-4 times per week. I was on the black belt cycle. I would pass out on the couch in the middle of the day 2-3 times and take unplanned naps of 20-40 min, I didn't cook dinner much, their father fed them when he was home and I put lasagna or something in the oven when he wasn't. Although the girls were still academically ahead, I was way behind my homeschooling schedule. I was nodding off at every activity I took them to that got quiet. My house was a mess. The kids' bedtime was 9pm. If their father was around I was passed out on the couch by 7:45pm. If he wasn't then I was asleep before 9:30, passed out on the couch after putting them to bed. I could barely get out of bed before 9am, and every morning I felt like my 10-13 hours of sleep refreshed my body only 2 hours worth. Most days I was too tired to eat much. It took 15 months for me to be diagnosed. In that time I saw 10 doctors in 8 different specialties and went through a few treatments. Only to be told, there is not treatment, you can't push yourself in exercise or else you will pay for days. Rest and energy management. I have tried internet suggested treatments and diets and vitamins, and none of them have helped.
There are a lot of theories out there about CFS, but the biggest is that it is and autoimmune disease (like Lupus). I am now convinced it is true. This fall I have felt the best I have felt in almost a year. I had good weeks, 2.5 good months. I achieved it by rest. I did very little this summer. It took 3 months to reach that level of recovery. I was able to take class for time to time and I felt bad, but nowhere near as bad as usual. I could exercise a little at home. But when my household was hit with a stomach virus in November, I went down too. Three weeks later I had a cold, and the beginning of this year my house had the flu. My youngest was in the hospital with pneumonia. And she begged me to stay in bed with her the whole time. Symptomatically I am now well, but I have been exhausted consistently since that stomach virus in November. And my body hurts badly. I think my immune system is dragging me down. It feels like the flu, without the cold symptoms.
This will be my biggest obstacle this cycle. Managing my health, while taking care of my children and completing my requirements. The worst of it for me is psychological. I am so mentally an athlete, that the inability to perform devastates me and brings me to tears when I think about it. I am scared I can't keep up and I don't know what to do if I can't. Acceptance of CFS is not coming easy. And in this cycle I have to find a different kind of inner strength to manage it. It hurts to see your athleticism disappear before your eyes. Especially when it was such a HUGE part of who you thought you were.
Thank you Master Evins for giving me the chance.